I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
