You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
pop tarts are not kleenex
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
