I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
