i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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