The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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