Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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