Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
