I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
