God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
birth control should be required to get into college
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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