I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
