Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
