she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
sex in a hospital.. check
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
