dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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