Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
