Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
