I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
