I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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