Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I need a beard to bite.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize