That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
