found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
