He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
