I am midnight drunk by noon
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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