no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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