I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
