Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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