i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
