My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
