between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize