I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
