I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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