I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
