she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
