come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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