I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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