I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize