I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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