Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
