Soap is not a condiment
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
