I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
