my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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