NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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