when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
