So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
