Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
