I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
