What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
