I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
