I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
