At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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