Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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