He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
