I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
