at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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