Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
