My boss' voice literally gives me gas
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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