I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
