3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
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You. Win. At. Life.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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