i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
