guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
