I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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