tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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